James Barclay

[Adamkkk]

Feedback plz

The room was empty and cold, silent, but for one man, the warmth of his breath, and the noise of his rasping. Chained to the ground, lying shaking in the centre of the circular chamber, his skin was torn, his muscle bruised. Water dripped from his skin as he shivered unwillingly in the bitter freeze within the room. He lay on his front, his hands coupled at his back, unable to right himself. The room was of a smooth, hard stone, akin to marble, yet darker. The entirety of this prison was adorned in black, and appeared at once intimidating. Around the room were arches, the pillars of each holding a lit torch, shadows writhing along the walls, consuming the light. Through each arch there was a door, huge and impenetrable, they were carved out of a metal unbeknown to humans. The metal, of a glimmering crimson sheen, was at once recognisable to the man; solid, material, human blood.
Dressed in rags, the torn and battered body of the man was exposed, paying testimony to his struggle, homage to his mortal resistance. When they had come for him, he had fought, but felt immediately the futility of the act; to the beasts that would consume him, he would always be prey, and never a rival. The delirium in their eyes, the stench on their breath, the white in their skin, they were incredible, unbelievable, terrifying. The memory, the nightmare, had consumed him, and as these fiends waited for him to weaken, to give in to the pleas of death, its promise of escape, he knew his time drew close.
He waited in that place, grasping the little strength he still possessed, pleading with his gods, who had soon ceased their efforts to answer his calls. It was silent, and the shadows were still. In frightening abruptness one of the doors of blood ceased its solidity and became that warm liquor of life once again, bursting in a sudden explosion of liquid, slapping the ground and reaching out to the man. In its wake the door revealed a young girl, small, fragile and afraid. Her hands were at her face, her hesitance obvious. Tears stung her eyes, and reflected the harsh, clawing light of the torches around the room. Behind her stood a young woman, dressed in a white gown and corset, blonde hair and bright, startling blue eyes portraying her in staggering beauty. Her skin appeared smooth, her complexion fair, her hands slender as the attractive curves of her body. The woman?s face however, depicted her in an entirely different light, fangs protruding over her bottom lip, showing her as a fiend, revealing her in all her human splendour, to be a vampire.
The woman bent to the girl, shoving her lightly into the room, before strutting confidently, elegantly, over the threshold herself. She paused, in order that she avoid stepping in the pool of blood, and looked down into its depths, staring over long and wistful. She breathed out, a hissing, probing exhalation, before flicking her hand toward where the door had first stood, sending the pool flying towards its place of genesis, and solidifying once again. She continued to walk toward the man, and on reaching his weak, mortal frame, bent to him. She caressed his skin with her tender, white hand, and kissed him lightly on the forehead. In one swift, sudden movement she drew a dagger from a sheath at her leg, and slit his throat.
On the killing the man, the woman turned to the child, beckoning to her. The child walked over reluctantly, and stood, about a metre away from the dead body, blood still seeping from the open wound in his neck. The woman looked at the blood, then the child.
?Drink it.? she commanded, taking on a firm, cold voice, numb anger emanating from her.
?I don?t want to.? The child began twiddling her thumbs and dropped her head, avoiding the cold, hard gaze of her instructor. The woman stared at the child angrily, incredulous at this obvious defiance.
?You don?t want to?? she asked venomously, her tone threatening anger. ?You don?t want to!??
The child took a pace back, her lower lip quivering, her whole body shaking in fear.
?I don?t want to. Please, that?s a dead man, you can?t do that.? The child pleaded, but she knew, even in her naivety, it was pointless.
?Can?t you?? The woman turned to the man and put her mouth to the wound, making a sickening slurping sound. The child ran towards the door, knowing that what she was witnessing was evil, knowing daddy hated that woman. The woman looked up from her feasting and noticed in anger the child?s feeble escape attempt. She frowned before exploding in an eruption of black dust, mystical particles dancing in the air. The child, in acknowledgment of the woman?s sudden disappearance, ceased trying to escape, and stood, weeping, in the chamber. The child dropped to her knees and allowed the tears to flow, timid whimpers of panic, akin to those of a child lost, echoing around the hall.
Watching from the ceiling, the woman observed this human emotion with interest; mortals were so? illogical, so hindered by their emotions, crippled by the restraints of ethical conformity. Among the vampire community, they were mocked for this, and rightly so; their weakness was laughable.
The child, the only safety known to her found in adults, wandered over to the body, and sat beside it. She touched the shoulder of the second person to die in her presence. Not knowing what else to do, she shook the body, she had hope; perhaps he would wake up. Sometimes daddy helped the men after fighting, sometimes they bled like this, and sometimes they woke. But the man was still, staring at the girl in muted horror. A tear rolled down the girl?s cheek, and she wiped it away miserably, forced to accept her fate. She set herself next to the body, lying beneath the shadow of death. She lifted the man?s arm around her, and closed her eyes. If she could only pretend it was daddy, then maybe she could sleep, and then in the morning maybe daddy would come for her.
The girl continued to bemuse the woman; she acted as if the body were alive, as if it would protect her. The woman leapt from the ceiling and landed before the girl, who closed her eyes tight, breathing heavily; it appeared she was trying to ignore her. The woman knelt and threw the body from the girl. The girl stumbled to her feet, and ran after the body, squeals of fear escaping her as she was followed by the vampire. On reaching the body, the girl attempted to drag it into an archway, but dragged down by its weight she was too slow to escape the woman, and was met with a backhand slap across the face that knocked her from her feet. She scrambled for footing, her eyes red with tears, her cheek stained with blood. Before she could stand, the woman was upon her, pulling her hair, drawing her face close.
?Try that again and you die.? The woman?s breath held the fetid stench of blood, her eyes the malevolence of her race. The girl, helpless, remained silent as she was dragged back to the corpse. As they approached, the woman shoved the girls face into the open wound. Without hope of escape the girl cried, dreading what she knew was to come.
?Now, drink it.? The woman was forceful once again, and this time, watched over the girl closely.
Sickened by what she was about to do, the girl leant forward and disgustedly sampled the blood. She recoiled sharply, and after retching, vomited, launching the bile over the body and onto the floor where it splattered, steaming in the cold. The woman withdrew with contempt and spat.
?Pathetic. Again.? The order was uttered without sympathy. The girl closed her eyes and plunged once again into the foul pit of decay. This time, though still revolted by the notion, the girl knew the only way to end this torture was to complete the task, and so she drank quickly, taking in as much of the liquid as possible in the hope it would deplete.
?Good? hissed the woman emphatically, letting the word drip off her tongue.
The blood tasted rich, thick and putrid, and so the girl drank without thought or feeling, not once comprehending her actions. But as she drank, something awoke within her, anger; it was dark, malevolent, in adoration of this evil, invigorating. It excited, angered and focused the girl in mortifying consumption of her consciousness. The presence was tempting, provocative, of a maturity beyond the girl?s five-year-old self. The entity commanded her, racking her weak and fragile frame. The girl felt changes come over her; mental, physical. Her two canine teeth erupted from her gums, extending beyond her bottom lip, razor-sharp, cutting her skin. Her pupils became slits, her eye colour a deep, transfixing scarlet. Her young, barely developed muscles toned, tensing in anger, her heart ceased to beat, her blood failed to retain its warmth. The transformation was complete.
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The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

[Grace]

Singularly unpleasant, but excellently written despite it. Is there more to this? It feels like a beginning rather than a complete short.
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Taking off is optional, landing is mandatory.

[Drizzt]

Written well, if with a little too much flowery language for me, but it flows well which is something I like. I agree with Grace that it reads like the beginning of something bigger - is it?

I know there's not a huge amount here, but there isn't really anything here to hint at anything original about the vampires. What is there is this idea of the young girl transforming as a result of drinking blood rather than having been bitten... begs the question of the girl's lineage. Was she borne of a vampire or dhampir? Was there something special about this poor chap's blood?

Oh, before I forget, I love the door idea. Gruesome, and doesn't leave much room for a locksmith industry in this world, but very nice!

See, what you've gone and done is left people wanting answers to curious questions. That means people will read more of it in the hope of finding answers, so nicely done! I would hope, personally, for there to be more to the vampires too. There're too many simple vanishing undead in too many stories. And after reading Raven Dane's vampires recently, I'm craving more originality. Hehe...

More sir, we demand more.
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Pagan Music

[dragonkillernz]

I haven't read it, I'm a bit tired (I only just woke up).

If I could offer some advice at first glance, it's a bit large and intimidating. Breaking it up into paragraphs would make it a bit more friendly to readers.

Once I wake up, I'll read it.
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Ian Fulguirinas(dragonkillernz)