James Barclay

[Parmenion]

This was for a 500 word quick comp:

Lies

Lies, Alex never knew when to stop them, he had spent his life so far skipping from one miss-truth to the next and now it had become an automatic response to any question.

The thing was, he now knew that it was wrong, he understood that it was something that held him back; he could never build up any trust with anyone he hung out with or any member of his family. His family had finally reached the point of utter exasperation; basically if he opened his mouth they knew that bullshit would flood out. He knew it was time for change!

The frustrating thing for him was that he had tried to tell people that he would not do it any more, that he had changed, but they all thought
"Yep, ok that?s good, but I really do not believe you! Prove it!"
And then walked off sue in the knowledge that it was just another lie.
Which had usually been the case, they were often such silly lies as well,
?Have you eaten your lunch??
?Yes dad?,
?Then why is it still in your lunch box?.
?Who broke your mobile??
?My friend broke it dad?
?Right, like he did the last 3??
Or recently and more seriously
?Some ones been in the house playing the play-station today, and you have not got a key to get in, your bedroom window is wide open, so is there anything you want to own up to??
?No dad it wasn?t me! I was at school and then went to a friends house until 10 minuets ago?

It was so easy for him to live down to people?s expectations of him, but he now honestly wanted to change. But how to convince people he was truly a changed person?

So he started telling the truth.

The short pause before answering had vanished, the careful balance of fact and fiction eased, he no longer had to keep a mental note of what he had told to who and when.

The problem was he had cried wolf so many times that no one believed him. He could have said that the house was burning and even if you could see the smoke you would have wondered if it was just another lie.

His dad kept banging on about trust and that it was something that you had to earn, but in typical teenage fashion Alex wanted to have all the past lies vanish and be presented with a blank slate (again), a way to start again from scratch but with a full measure of trust applied at the start.

What he wasn?t telling himself was that he wanted this new level of trust so he could come and go at will, have his mates around and generally break as many rules as possible.

What Alex didn?t realise was that now he had reached the pinnacle of lying,
He was lying to himself?.and he was falling for those lies hook line and sinker!!

[dragonkillernz]

I'm sorry man, I just didn't like it. I can't explain why, so I can't criticise, but there is just something about it that I didn't like. Something with the style. Also, it was a bit predictable, as in, it was obvious that he would try telling the truth and nobody would believe him.
_________________
Ian Fulguirinas(dragonkillernz)

[bookiemonster]

I thought it was ok, actually.
It sounds a bit too much like a transcript though (that's good in that it's realistic, but it's a little too realistic!)

I stumbled over a couple of commas in the opening section, it might be worth looking into that (I'm not one to talk though- I have a problem with comma overuse too)

It's not a problem that it's predictable in that no-one will believe him- but more emphasis needs to be put on the fact that he's still lying (to himself).

Hope that helps?